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curious_spellsTitle: Cosmetic surgery
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
louiselux and emungere
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Warnings: not worksafe, explicit m/m
Notes: written forpuddingcat, because she very generously donated to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
livelongnmarry. Feedback is loved.
Summary: Gojyo, Hakkai, Sanzo and Goku have come home from India and are attempting to live a normal life. Hakkai and Gojyo are sharing a house again. One day, Hakkai finds a tube of lipstick down the back of the sofa and things become a little less normal.
Hakkai opened his eyes. It was very late, the time of night when the weak and the elderly died. Something had woken him. He heard a rustle of cloth and caught a scent swirling on the still, warm air of the house. He breathed, taking it in, something he could almost taste. He closed his eyes again. The rustle of cloth was joined by the delicate metallic grinding of a zip being carefully—so carefully-- pulled down.
He knew he shouldn't, but that 'shouldn't' didn't quite translate into action. He turned over on the bed, minding the squeaky springs. He achieved it in total silence. Muscle control. It was probably not a skill to be proud of in this instance. He became aware of his own heartbeat beginning to pound in his chest. Gojyo was on the sofa. He'd been on the sofa every night, even though there was space in the bed for them to share. Perhaps Gojyo didn't want to share with him. Perhaps he wanted his privacy, at least some measure of it.
The deep black shadows became silvery as his eyes adjusted. From his pillow, he could see Gojyo on his back. He had both hands on the waistband of his jeans, pushing them down just enough, a rough hiss of denim over skin. Between his legs, in the black patch of hair, Hakkai could see a thick column of flesh, already hard and darker than the pale skin of his thighs. It bobbed in the air as Gojyo moved.
There were other smells in the room; noodles fried in peanut oil, beer breath, the acrid burnt ash of cigarette smoke, soap, sweat, the delicate scent of Gojyo's skin and hair underneath it all.
Gojyo had closed a fist around himself. Hakkai watched it move up and down, twisting slightly, long fingers curling to touch all the best places. His breathing got thicker. He started to thrust his hips, brief curtailed movement that made his whole torso flex, and with each one he began to grunt, softly, between his teeth. It was almost pained, as if he were on the edge of desperation. Oh, yes, Hakkai thought. Gojyo should feel free to do that some more.
He slid a hand very carefully into his pyjamas and took the liberty of filling in some details he couldn't see: Gojyo's soft lips, wet and full and parted, the tip of his tongue, the flex of muscle in his arms and wrist, the way his balls would be hard and tight, his buttocks clenching with each thrust…
Hakkai put his other hand over his mouth to smother his breathing. It was unacceptably loud. He lay still, a hand curled tight around his own erection. Gojyo's breathing hitched and he was biting off each soft sound he made, struggling to stay as quiet as possible. The slap of skin on skin came faster, and Gojyo dug his heels into the saggy old cushions of the couch, arching up, closed eyes and open mouth, hair flung back to show the fine–drawn lines of his cheekbone and jaw. For someone born into poverty, he had somehow managed to acquire the bone structure of an aristocrat.
Hakkai wondered what Gojyo was thinking of. If he could see into Gojyo's mind to spy on the pornographic drama playing out, would he choose to look? He pressed his hand tight to his mouth, tasting the salt on his own palm. Gojyo was getting close, he could tell. He'd had previous experience of this, even back when he hadn't found this painfully erotic. He could barely remember those times now.
A sound escaped Gojyo, part of a moan that instead of being silent and stealthy came out as a broken rough sound, so loud in the quiet that Hakkai jumped. Gojyo stopped cold, and then he raised his head to look over at Hakkai's bed. Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut and lay as still as a dead dog, struggling to make his breathing deep and even. He didn't want Gojyo to know. It wasn't Gojyo's fault that Hakkai felt this way about him. Well, not technically his fault.
When he dared open them again, Gojyo was taut and arched, moving his hand furiously, and then he slowed, squeezing and milking himself as he let out a soft shaking breath. Hakkai didn't see him come but he smelt it, and wondered blindly how it would be to push his nose against Gojyo's smooth stomach and lick at it, and taste it.
He closed his eyes again as Gojyo pulled off his t-shirt and used it to mop his stomach, yanked his jeans back up and fell back onto the cushions. He began to snore soon after, thankfully not too loudly.
After a very long time, Hakkai turned back over and finally fell asleep himself.
***
"Hey," Gojyo said, the next morning, as he shuffled into the kitchen, shirtless and barefoot. "What's for breakfast?"
Hakkai leaned against the counter, toying with his piece of toast. It was rather badly burnt, but he couldn't be bothered to make more. Gojyo rubbed briefly across his stomach, hand flattening against the place where he’d come last night.
"Toast," he said. "Do you want some?"
Gojyo glanced at the charred mess on the plate. "I'll pass." He plopped down into a chair. Hakkai poured him some coffee and gave it to him. "Ah, thanks. What we got on today?"
Hakkai sat down opposite. There was a pile of mending to be done. He was considering making new bedsheets. Their clothes needed washing. He needed to complete the test paper for his accountancy correspondence course. "Whatever you like," he said. "Sanzo doesn't need us today."
"So far," Gojyo said.
Sanzo, graciously allowing them a stipend for services rendered, had installed a telephone so he could contact them more easily for 'work'. They both looked over at it. It stayed silent.
"Well," Gojyo said. "We could head into town. You must have stuff you wanna pick up, right? You always do."
He bent over his coffee, closing his eyes as the hot steam drifted up. A few strands of hair slid across his cheek and caught at the corner of his mouth. Hakkai found himself staring at it and couldn't make himself bother to look away.
Gojyo took a sip and then glanced at him. "What?" Gojyo said.
"Hm? Oh, nothing. Yes, I do always need to get some things, don't I?" Because he'd had three people to feed and clothe, one of them a bottomless pit, and another who insisted on dressing all in white. The bleach bill alone must have horrified the powers who paid Sanzo's holy credit card bill.
"Let's go, huh?" Gojyo said. "Before the damn phone rings."
"No breakfast?"
"Yeah, I'll get something in town." He gave Hakkai's toast another look. "You could too."
"We can visit Goku."
Goku worked at a bakery. It seemed an idea destined for disaster, especially after he'd struck a deal with the owner to get paid in baked goods, but it had worked out surprisingly well.
The bakery was decorated in pink and white stripes and it smelled like almond cookies all the time, regardless of what they were baking. Goku wore a pink and white striped apron. Gojyo walked straight in the door and jumped over the counter to get him in a headlock. Hakkai had come to accept this behaviour as a sign of affection as long as neither of them drew blood.
When Gojyo bent over, Hakkai could see the outline of his ass perfectly. It was quite clear he wasn't wearing underwear. If he reached out to touch, it would be firm and round under his palm. Gojyo might like it. He might push back into Hakkai's hand. He might want more…
Hakkai turned away and said hello to Mr Khan. He was an interesting man, having travelled down from the great northern wildernesses many years ago to settle here. He kept yaks. He also wielded an expert pastry knife. Hakkai rather liked him.
"He's learning," was all Mr Khan would say about Goku's progress in the bakery.
"Hakkai, try this strudel," Goku said.
"Oh, no thanks. I've just eaten."
"No, you didn't," Gojyo said.
"I made it for you," Goku said.
Hakkai looked from one to the other. Gojyo smiled and bit his lip. "Oh, all right," Hakkai said.
They ate it all together, standing in the middle of the shop. It was still warm, and fragrant with apple and spice and sugar. He realised he was starving. Gojyo shared a narrow amused look with him, his lips gleaming. He bumped his shoulder against Hakkai's.
"Not bad for a monkey, yeah?" he said.
"Not bad at all," Hakkai said, gazing at him for a moment, momentarily lost in contemplation of his mouth.
"Hey!" Goku said, and another headlock began, stickier this time. Glimpsed through tangled arms and hair, their faces were gleaming and happy.
They left Goku to his work and went along to the shops. It was busy, being livestock day. Everything smelled of goats.
"I wish you wouldn't bring that thing," Gojyo said.
He almost certainly meant the little wheeled bag that Hakkai was pulling behind him. "It's useful, Gojyo. Unless you'd prefer to carry everything?"
"But it's what grannies use."
Hakkai looked down at it. He hadn't considered that before; it had just seemed practical. He looked back up to see a young lady sauntering towards them. She wore a silky pink dress and had hair down to her waist. For a Wednesday morning cattle market, she was notably overdressed. Nothing grannyish about her, Hakkai thought, and sighed.
"Gojyo, hey," she said, coming up to them. She beamed. "It's great to see you!"
"Yo, Lin. You're looking cute," Gojyo said. He did something complicated with his body, which gave the impression that he was standing up straighter and yet leaning down towards her at the same time.
"Thank you," she said, blushing prettily. "Um, who's your friend?" she said, turning her smile to Hakkai. Hakkai smiled back.
"This is Hakkai, my roommate."
Roommate. Was that what it came down to? She must be someone he'd met in the bar. Hakkai had never seen her before.
"Hello. I'm so sorry, please excuse me immediately," Hakkai said. "I have shopping to get on with."
"I'll catch you up," Gojyo said. He met Hakkai’s eyes and then looked away. “Okay?”
"Please, take as long as you want. It makes no difference to the amount to be carried home eventually." He smiled at them.
"Bye," he heard Lin say, as he walked away, dragging his old-lady bag behind him. "Nice to meet you."
He bought yards of cotton, fabric bleach, a roll of lead flashing for the leak near the chimney, a bundle of new socks that were reduced in the sales. He grew hungry and stopped for soup and tea at one of the stalls in the square. The whole town was shabbier after the wave of destruction, but the owner had put his benches and tables out, and a striped red and white awning that was new since last time. Life was returning to normal, in increments.
Hakkai drank his tea and watched the bustle of the square. The sun was pleasantly warm on his face. He had nothing in particular to worry about. He had his place in life and a steady income, even if it was through temple-sanctioned intimidation and violence. He still had his plans to open a coffee shop, or to buy a small market garden.
Perhaps Gojyo would like to do that with him. He'd shown no signs of not wanting to stay with Hakkai. He didn't have a reason to move out. Apart, perhaps, from the smallness of the house. Perhaps he should ask Gojyo outright what he was planning to do with the remainder of his life.
He sipped his tea. It was delicate and very good, with a slight taste of mint. He should ask for the blend and perhaps take some home. Gojyo made surprisingly good tea, when he could be bothered. He was a man with hidden talents, Hakkai reflected. Sometimes very well hidden, it was true.
Gojyo found him a little while later. "Hey," Gojyo said, sitting next to him. They sat silently for a few minutes. "Lin found herself a job cleaning in one of the la-di-dah houses on the hill," he said. "Never thought she'd find honest work."
"I hear it's possible," Hakkai said, smiling into his tea.
"Not for us though, right?" Gojyo said, and there was an edge to his voice. He was staring out at the passers by.
"It depends how you define honest."
Gojyo paused. "How do we define honest?"
"We don't lie to ourselves about our virtue," Hakkai said.
Gojyo sighed. "Yeah, I guessed it would be something like that. You want more tea?"
"Yes, please."
Gojyo smoked and they drank tea and watched the people of the town go about their lives.
"I'm going out tonight," Gojyo said. "So you don't need to cook for me."
"Oh, all right."
"Me and some of the guys, we’re playing poker."
"I see. That's fine."
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
Later, Gojyo washed and dressed too carefully for it to be poker with his friends, and Hakkai had to wonder why he'd lied.
"You sure you're okay?" Gojyo said, with his hand on the door. His hair shone, the ends hanging in the neat blunt cut that Hakkai had recently given him. He had a new shirt on that Hakkai hadn't seen before. His long legs were clad tightly in black jeans.
"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Hakkai said.
Gojyo shook his head. "No reason." He took his hand from the door knob and stared uncomfortably over Hakkai's left shoulder. "It's just, you know. You were kinda weird with Lin."
"Oh, I was? I'm sorry, I didn't realise."
He found the tube of lipstick much later, when he was tidying up the sofa. It was under one of the cushions. Hakkai sat and looked at it. It was the bright red of geraniums, very new. Hardly used. A cheap brand, the sort chosen by girls of limited means who wished to aspire to something more sophisticated. He looked down at it. Perhaps she’d bought it especially for her date with Gojyo. Gojyo had been bringing her here.
Perhaps they were out right now. Perhaps they were sleeping together right now. Fucking. He let the image fill his head; Gojyo with his pants down around his thighs and his cock hard and slick and pushing into her. Maybe they would do it in her bed, twisted in her sheets. They would probably be dirty, Hakkai thought, or at last poorly laundered. They might smell of the other men she'd had there. Would Gojyo notice, or mind if he did?
Or maybe they would do it up against the wall, fast, so fast. Beads of sweat would form at Gojyo's hairline, dampening his hair from the red of blood to the darker red of dying coals. Gojyo's hips would pump forward, and her bare back and bottom would slap against the wall until the neighbours complained.
Hakkai looked down at the lipstick. His fingers had pushed against the cheap aluminium casing so hard that they'd dented it. He tried to pry out the dents, but the edge of the lid was sharp, bare metal, and it dug hard into his skin.
His finger came away with a streak of red. For a moment he thought he'd cut himself, but it was only a clot of lipstick, too bright, not like Gojyo's hair at all. He stared at it. After a second or two, with no conscious thought, he let his hand rise up to his mouth. He rubbed the red blob of lipstick on his own lips. It felt cool and weirdly sticky.
He rubbed his lips together. He licked them. It didn't taste like anything. He glanced at the door and wondered what Gojyo would think if he walked in just at this moment, if he would laugh, if he would like it.
The bathroom mirror showed Hakkai his face with a red gash in it. The image faded gradually into reality, the reality of painted lips and a puzzled expression. Hakkai wondered if it was possible to condition the visual cortex to interpret things through a certain filter. In his case, a filter of assumed violence. It had, over the past few years, been quite a safe assumption.
He touched his mouth. The red was on his teeth, and he wiped it off. His teeth squeaked. He went back to the sofa to fetch the lipstick, then came back to the mirror. It went on smoothly, thickly. Cheap and red and brash, like her mouth.
He wondered what she was doing with it now. Perhaps she had her mouth open for him. Gojyo would want that. All men liked that. He gripped onto the cold porcelain edge of the sink, pushing his erection against it. Soft sucking wetness and heat. He could barely remember what it was like. He tried to imagine the shape and feel of hard flesh in his mouth. Gojyo's hardness, pressing against his lips. Gojyo's soft grunts and the grind of his hips. The rush of heat through his body made his knees want to buckle. He stared into his own dark eyes in the mirror, then let out a moan.
He tore open his jeans and pushed his hand between down into his underwear. His fingers were cold from the porcelain and he gasped as he ran them over his flesh, freeing himself. There was a single image fixed in his head, so powerful that his breath came too short. He couldn't stop. He leaned over the sink, pleasuring himself quite wantonly, thinking of her mouth around Gojyo's cock. The lipstick bled into his mouth, bitter.
The front door opened. Hakkai heard it clearly, with its distinctive short squeak followed by a long creak. He put oil for the hinges on his mental shopping list and squeezed his aching cock. He kicked the bathroom door closed as quietly as he could and reached behind him to lock it.
If it was an intruder, they could wait till he was done. If it was Gojyo back early, well, he could wait too.
"Ow, fuck," Gojyo said in the next room.
Hakkai bit his lip.
"Hakkai? Hey, you home?"
"I'm in the bathroom, Gojyo," he said. His voice sounded quite calm.
"Are you gonna be long?"
Hakkai could smell blood. Gojyo's blood, but not only his. "How badly are you hurt?"
After a pause, Gojyo said, "Not bad. Don't, like, rush yourself. If you're having a moment in there."
Hakkai watched his cheeks flush in the mirror. He couldn't say from the tone of voice whether Gojyo honestly thought he was masturbating or having some sort of toilet related difficulty. He wasn't sure which was worse.
His cock was still hard. He gave a slow stroke. "Tell me what happened," he called to Gojyo.
"There were these guys," Gojyo said, which was so often how these stories started.
Hakkai listened to the sound of his voice and worked his cock harder, faster.
"So turns out Lin has a boyfriend--"
"I thought you went to play poker," Hakkai managed.
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I saw her there. And--"
Hakkai lost the thread of the story. He gripped the cold porcelain of the sink with one hand and curled over it. He could see Gojyo as he'd seen him in dark on the couch, doing this same thing, trying to stay quiet like Hakkai was now. He felt his whole body tighten before he came, white on the white of sink, one streak laid across the faucet.
"So I've got a broken nose maybe," Gojyo was saying.
Hakkai flushed the toilet and ran water into the sink to wash everything away. He fastened his pants and scrubbed at his mouth. He splashed cold water on his face and scrubbed it dry with a rough towel. When he entered the living room, he found Gojyo stretched full length on the couch.
"He caught you with her and hit you," Hakkai said.
"Well, yeah, if you want the short version." Gojyo grinned up at him, beautiful even with his face blood-crusted and his nose twisted askew. "Can you fix me up?"
"Of course."
Gojyo pressed against the back of the couch so Hakkai could sit. Hakkai laid his hands on Gojyo's face and felt out the extent of the damage. He felt Gojyo wince and gentled his touch even further. The blood ran all down his face and over his chin, dry and flaking off to stick to Hakkai's hands.
"I have to straighten it first. It will hurt."
"I know, I know. Do it."
He did it, and barely caught Gojyo's grunt of pain. He set to work quickly after that, to soothe pain and mend broken flesh. Gojyo relaxed all at once and let out a soft sigh.
"That's better," he mumbled. "You've got great hands, Hakkai."
I could show you how good they are, he thought, then felt ridiculous. He looked down at Gojyo, at his sleepy, dreamy eyes. "Is there anywhere else you're hurt?" Hakkai said, telling himself he was simply being thorough.
Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, well. The bastard got me good in the ribs. It ain't broken though. But it hurts like a bitch."
"You'll have to sit up," Hakkai said, and moved so that Gojyo could pull himself up and perch on the edge of the sofa. "And take your shirt off, please."
He dragged it over his head, static making strands of hair crackle and rise up. Gojyo's bare skin was very warm and smooth. It was reddened on the left side, already darkening to a bruise. Hakkai pressed each rib gently, healing the broken blood vessels and damaged tissues, watching Gojyo's profile. "Lift your arms," he said, softly, and Gojyo raised them. Hakkai stroked up to just under his armpit, then back down, pressing his palm flat. "Does this hurt now?"
"No," Gojyo murmured. He'd closed his eyes. Their thighs were pressing together. Hakkai decided he really shouldn't do this to himself. "It's great."
It was hard to look away from his own hand on Gojyo's chest. It was hard to take it away. His arm tingled, and Gojyo shivered and gasped. He stroked again and watched as the small dark circles of Gojyo's nipples tightened and hardened until they were stiff. Hakkai took his hand away. Gojyo opened his eyes and swivelled them to Hakkai's face. Hakkai couldn't even decipher the expression there.
"Ah, uh. Thanks," Gojyo said, and then he got up. "I need to piss."
Hakkai waited where he was, looking down at his hands. His knuckles looked larger than normal to him. He was hungry. He couldn't remember if he'd had dinner.
The lipstick was still in the bathroom.
He heard the toilet flush and the water run, and then Gojyo emerged. He sat down close to Hakkai, so their shoulders bumped together.
"So," Gojyo said. "I never did eat tonight."
And that was that. He didn't say anything about the lipstick. When Hakkai checked, he found it sitting on the edge of the sink where he'd left it. Maybe Gojyo hadn't seen it. Maybe he'd chosen not to mention it. Maybe he'd thought Hakkai had had a date and she'd left it there. No, he probably didn't think that.
Hakkai made them both eggs on toast, and they ate together at the table. Gojyo stretched his feet out underneath so that they touched Hakkai's. It was almost certainly an accident.
***
A week later, Hakkai put the lipstick on again. Gojyo was out, somewhere. Maybe he was playing poker. Maybe he was having sex.
Hakkai looked at himself in the mirror and then went to sit on the couch. Gojyo's bed. His blanket was folded on the back where Hakkai put it every morning. Otherwise it would lie crumpled on the floor all day. Opposite the sofa, the vcr was blinking its single red light at him, because Gojyo had left a tape in it. The box was open and empty, its cover lurid with naked flesh. Hakkai switched on the TV and pressed play, and it jerked into life-- a woman and a man fucking hard on a bed.
He watched it for a little while, then took down Gojyo's blanket and ran his hands over the heavy pale wool. Then he unfolded it and spread it out over himself. He lifted a corner to his face, pushing his nose into it. His hands were trembling and his breath was hot and damp. It smelled of Gojyo and wool and cigarettes. When he took it away, it bore a waxy scarlet smear. He touched it with the edge of a nail--it was going to be impossible to get out-- then reached under the blanket and began to unfasten his trousers. He pressed the corner of blanket to his nose again as he rearranged his shirt and his jeans so that he was exposed. The touch of the blanket was almost too much against sensitive skin. On screen, the man was pounding into her with heavy fast strokes. He watched, shivering, and imagined it was Gojyo he was watching. Gojyo loved women. He loved them like this, eager and happy.
He licked his lips and closed his hand around his own cock at last. The head was wet; fluid dripping in a thin stream down the underside. He pressed his fingers there, watching the screen.
"Gojyo," he whispered, and felt ridiculous at the spurt of heat it caused. Gojyo was not here to listen or to see this. Thank all the heavens. He rubbed his cheek against rough wool and closed his fist tight around himself, making his hand a warm damp channel. He moaned at how good it was. He wriggled back on the cushions, clutching at the blanket, bracing his feet as his muscles tightened. He closed his eyes against the figures on screen and thought instead of Gojyo.
Afterwards, falling back in a haze of mingled guilt and satisfaction, he pulled the blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes.
He woke up to darkness. He sat up, fast. The TV was off, the room was dark. From the direction of his own bed came the sound of soft breathing-- Gojyo. Hakkai fumbled at the blanket and pushed it off.
"I'm sorry," he said, out loud. There was no reply, and Gojyo remained a dark still lump under Hakkai's sheets. Hakkai stood, and as he did his jeans sagged down around his thighs. His belly was stiff with dried semen. His mouth was still sticky with the lipstick. Gojyo had come in and had found him. He crept closer to the bed, until he could see Gojyo's face, turned half into the pillow in sleep. Hakkai reached out and touched his hair; it was like cool silk under his fingertips. "I'm sorry," he whispered, again.
Hakkai tiptoed to the bathroom and washed his face at the sink. The lipstick was still standing there, its cap neatly replaced. Had he done that, or Gojyo? He couldn't remember. He dampened his flannel and wiped his stomach, washed his hands and drank a glass of water. He went back to the sofa and climbed back under the blanket. The room smelled of Gojyo - cigarettes, soap and the tang of his old leather jacket.
Hakkai closed his eyes and decided that he must stop this.
***
Gojyo was up before him, sitting at the kitchen table, smoking and staring out of the window.
"Hey," he said, giving Hakkai a brief glance. "I made you tea."
The teapot was waiting for him on the table, its stubby spout emitting a twirl of fragrant steam. There was a china cup next to it, where Gojyo must've set it ready for him.
Gojyo never did things like this, except when Hakkai was really angry at him, or ill. Hakkai came to the table and touched the cup.
"It's for me?"
"Well it ain't for Mr Invisible," Gojyo said. The morning sun was in his face, lighting his eyes to a dramatic and shimmering red. They looked utterly unreal, almost magical. Or at least, they might, if Hakkai hadn't seen so many even-stranger things. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Not too badly." Hakkai poured tea. "Your sofa is surprisingly comfortable." He'd never slept on it before. Gojyo had never once complained about that, or about Hakkai simply assuming he'd be having the bed.
"So's your bed," Gojyo said. "Maybe I'll get in it again tonight."
"Oh, good." Hakkai burnt his tongue on the tea, because he drank it too fast.
There was a long pause where Hakkai felt he should be saying something else, or that Gojyo should be making a joke at Hakkai's expense, or something. Instead, the silence between the dragged on, until Gojyo cleared his throat. Gojyo never cleared his throat like that.
"His Holiness hasn't bugged us recently. Think everything's okay?"
"Maybe it's a good sign. Perhaps the crime levels that seem to surround Sanzo are dropping."
"Heh. It's always possible." Gojyo poured himself more coffee. It was black and sludgy, the last in the pot. "I guess it's nice to have the time to ourselves."
"I suppose so," Hakkai said. It certainly gave him more time to follow unhealthy channels of desire. He considered the fact that Gojyo had witnessed the aftermath of last night's debauchery. Unwanted, a hot flush swept his body and heat rose in his face. He stood and went to the sink to tip the remains of his tea away.
"Lin's having a party tonight. She asked me along," Gojyo said. There was a horrible false smugness to his voice. "Guess she can't get enough of me, yeah?"
His accountancy exam paper was still waiting for him, sitting under his text books. He'd complete it today. Perhaps after he'd passed it he should begin looking for a place to buy. He could have his own little business. Gojyo could be his assistant-- doing whatever would be required.
"You could come too," Gojyo said. A click and rasp and then the whiff of burning tobacco. "Lotta lonely chicks out there," he added.
Hakkai tried to remember the last time Gojyo had invited him out. He couldn't, mostly because he suspected Gojyo never had. Perhaps Gojyo now thought he was a desperate case and had to be rescued from a life of lonely masturbation in front of dubious film footage.
"No," Hakkai said. "Thank you."
"Don't just turn me down," Gojyo said, more forcefully.
The sink was awfully fascinating. Silver drops of water splashed and rolled over the cheap pressed metal basin.
"It's not-- I don't know anyone. They would think it strange. If you brought me along."
"Since when do you care who thinks you're strange?" Gojyo thumped the wall with his fist. "Whatever. I'm going out."
"Will you be back for dinner?" Hakkai said, automatically.
Gojyo gave him a look. Oh, the party. Of course. Hakkai looked down. His hands looked old to him today. There were days like that, when the weather and stress they'd been through showed. His knuckles stood out, oddly bulbous and pale to his eyes, like something that might grow far underground. When he looked back up, Gojyo was gone.
He sat and drank his tea and thought about Gojyo going to this woman's party, even after her boyfriend had hit him in the face. What had Gojyo done to the boyfriend? Hakkai hadn't thought to ask. Probably Gojyo hadn't killed him. That sort of thing didn't get one party invitations.
After a few minutes, Hakkai got up and put the lipstick on. He poured himself another cup of tea and left garish red lip prints on the side of his teacup.
This wasn't what going crazy felt like at all.
As he washed the red stains from the china, he considered that it might feel different every time.
***
The party, Hakkai found when he asked around, had started at nine. It was now going on eleven. Lin's house was easy to find, with its lights all on and music blasting through wide open windows. A number of people were lying outside in the overgrown little garden, doing things that Hakkai didn't look too closely at.
He knocked, but presumably no one heard him. He walked in. He'd half expected debauchery and drunken fights, nudity and blood. In that, he was disappointed. Lin was sitting on the floor with a number of people Hakkai didn't recognize. They appeared to be playing some sort of board game. Lin was moving a bright purple game marker along a twisting trail of printed neon blocks toward a castle in the centre of the board. She clapped her hands together. "Look!" she said. "I made it to India, I'm almost there."
"The priest has an unfair advantage," one of the guys grumbled. "That stupid sutra gets him out of everything."
Hakkai felt a wave of vertigo as strong as though the floor had heaved beneath him. He put a hand out to steady himself on the wall and found a shoulder instead.
"It's a new game," Gojyo said, voice flat and oddly careful. "Funny how things work out, huh?"
"Do they--know?"
"Nah. They know shit. Somebody heard a rumour, thought they could make some cash off it, I guess. That's how it goes."
"Sanzo will be livid."
Gojyo laughed, a dry sound, and bumped his shoulder against Hakkai's. "He'll sue for intellectual property rights or something. Put them bang out of business."
Lin looked up just then and waved to them, or more probably to Gojyo. Gojyo waved back.
"You want me to introduce you?" Gojyo said.
"No. I only came because--because--" But he couldn't remember the excuse he'd come up with. He couldn't even remember the truth of why he'd come, except that the alternative seemed to be jerking off alone in the dark to Gojyo's pornography again. He didn't think it was very good pornography even, though he really had nothing to compare it to.
"Because?" Gojyo said. He raised his eyebrows.
Hakkai rubbed his hands down his thighs and felt the lump of the lipstick in his pocket. Oh, yes. He pulled it out. "To return this," he said. "I thought it must be hers."
Gojyo held it in the palm of his hand and rolled it back and forth. "You got a thing for her?" he said, at last. "'Cause you can have her. I'm not that into her, if you wanna know the truth."
"I thought she had a boyfriend."
"She dumped him after he hit me. She doesn't like violence."
Gojyo grinned at him, and Hakkai had to smile back. He had to look into Gojyo's eyes and see him and feel his warmth and steady understanding. He had to look, for just a few seconds too long.
He saw Gojyo get it, saw him put everything together and realize that Hakkai's behaviour had nothing to do with Lin at all. Gojyo's hand snapped closed over the lipstick, and he shoved it into his pocket.
"Well. I'll go," Hakkai said. "You're busy."
He walked out, and Gojyo didn't stop him.
***
Hakkai woke slowly, Gojyo's presence already registered and marked as safe in his brain. Gojyo sat on the edge of Hakkai's bed. He smelled of beer and smoke and sex. He was tapping something shiny against his thigh. It took Hakkai's sleepy eyes a minute to identify it as the lipstick case.
"I thought it was some other girl's," Gojyo said. "I thought maybe--well, I thought lots of crazy shit. It's not Lin's. I never brought her here."
"I see," Hakkai said, carefully. He didn't know where this was going, or if Gojyo would even remember it in the morning.
"I'm not drunk," Gojyo said.
"Ah."
"Might as well be," Gojyo muttered. "Sober never does me any good with you."
"I don't know what you mean, Gojyo."
"You were wearing this stuff. Couple of times. Right?"
He could lie. But he wouldn't. "Yes."
"Put it on. Now."
Gojyo shoved the lipstick at him, and Hakkai did as he was told. It felt familiar going on now, almost normal. He rubbed his lips together and licked them, tasting only faint bitterness and not the tang he still sometimes expected from something that color.
"Hakkai." Gojyo gave him a look that was almost desperate.
"Did you fuck her tonight?" Hakkai asked.
"Yeah. Shit. Yeah, I did. You watched my porn."
"Yes, I did."
"You watched my porn and you--on my bed. Couch. Whatever."
"Yes."
They stared at each other in the dark. Hakkai could barely see his eyes.
"What do you want?" Gojyo said finally, with a little whine in his voice that made Hakkai grab his arm and drag him closer.
"I want to fuck you," Hakkai said. His voice felt very strange coming out of his throat, and his fingers were digging into Gojyo's arm.
"You wanna--fuck me," Gojyo said, with a little hitch in his voice.
"That's right."
"But--I don't even like guys. I never--not once, even before Banri when that one guy offered me cash for it, and that wouldn't have counted." His voice was rising in pitch and getting quieter at the same time. "I'm not, I haven't, I don't--I don't."
"You don't what?"
"Like guys," Gojyo said, and kissed him.
The kiss didn't work very well. It took Hakkai by surprise, and lips and tongue and noses were surprisingly hard to organize. There were teeth as well to worry about; Gojyo's grazed Hakkai's tongue and dug into his lip when Hakkai tilted his head.
"Sorry," Gojyo said. "Sorry." His mouth was very wet and hot, and the lipstick facilitated the slide of their lips.
"I finished my accountancy exam," Hakkai said. "Just today. I want to start some sort of business."
Gojyo sucked on his tongue, which made it very hard to talk. Hakkai pushed him back a bit.
"I don't know what sort," he said.
"Hakkai!"
"Yes?"
"You said you wanted to--fuck me." Gojyo still had that funny little hitch in his voice.
"You didn't say what you wanted."
There was a long, gaping silence.
At the far end of it, Gojyo said quietly, "I want lots of stuff."
After that, he took off his shirt, which seemed to Hakkai like a fairly clear statement of intent. As clear, at least, as he was likely to get from Gojyo. Even if it hadn't been, there was Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo wasn't backing off as Hakkai reached out to touch it. That by itself was enough to gel things in Hakkai's mind, to make a course of action clear and inevitable.
He pushed back the sheets and took hold of Gojyo's shoulders. A twist and a pull realigned them, with Gojyo solidly underneath him, a look of shock on his face. Hakkai kissed that look, his mouth, his cheeks, again and again until Gojyo's lips were slack and warm under his and Gojyo was holding onto his upper arms to keep him close.
"This is very..." Hakkai trailed off. Gojyo's chest was still bare and quite distracting. He laid his hands on it, flat, running up from the band of soft skin beneath his ribcage up to his shoulders.
"Very?" Gojyo prompted. There was a shadow across his eyes. Strands of hair clung to his face.
"Pants," Hakkai said, abruptly.
Gojyo frowned at him. "Very pants? Thanks a lot."
"No, pants, as in we ought to take them off. Now. Please."
"Get off me, then."
Gojyo took off his jeans and Hakkai his pajama bottoms. They sat in the dark on Hakkai's bed, right next to each other, breathing, naked. Hakkai saw Gojyo wriggle his toes in a band of moonlight.
"Thing is," Gojyo said. "This is. It's always gonna be us, right?"
"What?"
"You and me and His Crankiness and the monkey."
Hakkai thought about that, hands drifting unstoppably along the pale line of Gojyo's thigh. "I hope you're not suggesting a foursome," he said. "I don't think Sanzo would ever agree."
Gojyo flopped back on the pillow with a put-upon sigh. "Hakkai. Fuck, no. I just mean--aw hell, I don't know what I mean. Are we gonna do this or what?"
Hakkai swung a leg over his thighs and sat on him. He ran a palm up Gojyo's still-soft cock. "What do you mean?"
Gojyo looked up at him, eyes squinty with thought and unaccustomed serious intent. He touched Hakkai's neck and slid his hand up along Hakkai's cheek. His fingers bumped over Hakkai's limiters.
"I mean you're always gonna be here," Gojyo said, finally.
"Yes. Always."
"Probably even if I tried to get rid of you."
Hakkai had to smile at that. "Yes, even then."
Gojyo smiled back at him, a gentle curve of his lips, real warmth in his eyes. "Yeah, so. Okay," he said.
Hakkai kissed him again and lowered his body over Gojyo's. Gojyo's skin was very warm, so sleek. Perhaps it came from the half of him that was meant to be frictionless underwater. Their legs tangled together, moving restlessly, seeking some sort of traction or progress.
Hakkai moved his hips to drag his hard cock against Gojyo's soft one. Gojyo gasped and dug his nails into Hakkai's shoulders. His hips lifted up, hard. Hakkai felt him beginning to stiffen. For a time, that was all he did; he rubbed his body against Gojyo's, felt Gojyo's skin on his. For a time, it was more than enough.
The moon shifted position before they tried anything else. Gojyo was pushing up against him, cock hard now, thick and wet at the head. His breath was ragged. Hakkai's was too, and Hakkai could feel both their heartbeats, hard and rapid and heating their blood.
"Hakkai," Gojyo whispered, and he groped blindly down between their bodies until his hand found Hakkai's cock.
Hakkai shivered all over and bucked forward, and that was it. He came in long, wet spurts, body straining so tight that he could barely move afterward. He became aware of the smell of blood and found his nails had dug too hard into Gojyo's shoulders.
"I'm sorry," he said dully. "Gojyo. I'm sorry."
Gojyo's whole body undulated against him, and Gojyo said, "Just a little pain."
He was still hard. Hakkai slid down him and licked at his thighs, licked traces of himself away. He took Gojyo's cock in his mouth and forgot about everything else. It filled his mouth, filled his throat, left him unable to breathe or, for once, to think.
There was some faint sound and tugging at his hair, but it wasn't important. He made his lips tight and closed his eyes and sucked. He had no way of knowing if he were any good. He'd never done this and only rarely had it done to him. Probably Lin was better. It was, in any case, a selfish act to take Gojyo inside him like this, to give without accepting anything back.
The taste turned from salt to bitter, and Gojyo arched underneath him. He came in pulses into Hakkai's mouth, and Hakkai swallowed and swallowed for as long as he could. He kept sucking until Gojyo pushed him gently away.
Their eyes met, Gojyo sprawled out on his back, Hakkai crouched over him like something ready to pounce. It might be better, Hakkai thought, to leave, just to leave. He could stay at the temple again until he was fit to go out among people again.
Gojyo held out his arms.
Hakkai crawled into them. He was asleep before Gojyo finished pulling the covers up.
***
There was a pot of tea on the table again. Hakkai looked at it with eyes still sticky from sleep. Other body parts were still sticky from other things. He'd only just woken up. He wasn't prepared for Gojyo to go and make him tea again.
Gojyo spared him a glance. He was at the counter fiddling with the toaster. "It ain't a snake," he said. "Sit. You want toast?"
"You're making toast?" Hakkai said. Tea and toast? Surely this was some sign of an impending apocalypse.
"You burned it before."
"Oh. So I did."
Gojyo didn't burn it. He handed Hakkai a plate of perfectly browned toast. It even had butter on it, glistening strangely among its tiny peaks and crevices.
Gojyo yanked a chair out and sat on it backward, arms crossed. "Hakkai. Do you just not eat when I'm out? You just sit here getting weirder and weirder, or what? Eat your goddamn toast and stop looking at it like you're gonna disembowel it or something."
"I wasn't." He ate his toast. It was quite good, hot and crunchy, breaking easily under the force of his teeth.
"You wanna go into town later?" Gojyo said. "Thought we could go visit the monkey, see if Sanzo's said anything to him."
"It has been a while since we heard from him."
Gojyo nodded, and Hakkai understood all in a rush that Gojyo was worried. Worried about Sanzo, worried about him. Gojyo did that. Goku did too.
"All right. We'll go. I'm sure Sanzo's fine."
"Like I care," Gojyo muttered, and went to make more toast.
They went into town, and into the bakery. It still smelled of almonds and was still striped like the inside of a chocolate box. Hakkai didn't know why that should be so surprising. Maybe he was used to seeing changes in himself mirrored in the others.
Goku looked just the same as well and greeted them with a happy shout and a bound over the counter than made Mr Khan wince. Sanzo was--well, he was glaring at a pink sundae. That was a bit different, but almost certainly nothing to do with Hakkai having sex with Gojyo.
Gojyo poked Goku. "What is that thing? Did you make it?"
"Yeah! It's my invention!" He stood straight and solid, looking just so very-- normal, Hakkai decided. "It's got strawberry ice cream with strawberries in and raspberry sauce and pink whipped cream and coconut."
Sanzo took a bite. They all watched.
The glare died down from promising instant death to a mere smack about the head. "I like it," Sanzo said.
There was a deep silence. Even Goku said nothing.
Hakkai decided to delay sharing any news of what he and Gojyo might now be to each other. It didn't seem that exciting by comparison.
"What?" Sanzo said.
His hair was getting long. It hung down over the sutras. It would need a trim soon, Hakkai thought. He turned to smile at Gojyo, just because he wanted to. He noticed the soft pinkness of Gojyo's lips with hugely increased appreciation, until Gojyo nudged at him with his shoulder and raised his eyebrows.
"Hmm?" Hakkai said.
"Pay attention. Girly Monk's talkin'."
Sanzo narrowed his eyes at his ice cream. The spoon continued moving. Hakkai looked him over carefully. He certainly wasn't so skinny anymore, which was a blessing of some sort. There might even be a hint of too many ice creams.
"I've got a job that needs doing," Sanzo said. "I don't want you two getting lazy."
"No, that would be terrible," Hakkai said. "What job is this?"
"The usual kind of thing," Sanzo said, licking his spoon.
Hakkai turned to Gojyo. He wondered for a moment what had happened to the lipstick, anyway. "Does that sound all right with you, Gojyo?"
Gojyo shrugged. There was something different about his face, something soft and relaxed about his eyes. Perhaps it was the sex, thought Hakkai, until Gojyo nudged him again.
"The usual? Yeah, that sounds just fine."
Authors:
louiselux and emungereFandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Warnings: not worksafe, explicit m/m
Notes: written for
puddingcat, because she very generously donated to livelongnmarry. Feedback is loved. Summary: Gojyo, Hakkai, Sanzo and Goku have come home from India and are attempting to live a normal life. Hakkai and Gojyo are sharing a house again. One day, Hakkai finds a tube of lipstick down the back of the sofa and things become a little less normal.
Hakkai opened his eyes. It was very late, the time of night when the weak and the elderly died. Something had woken him. He heard a rustle of cloth and caught a scent swirling on the still, warm air of the house. He breathed, taking it in, something he could almost taste. He closed his eyes again. The rustle of cloth was joined by the delicate metallic grinding of a zip being carefully—so carefully-- pulled down.
He knew he shouldn't, but that 'shouldn't' didn't quite translate into action. He turned over on the bed, minding the squeaky springs. He achieved it in total silence. Muscle control. It was probably not a skill to be proud of in this instance. He became aware of his own heartbeat beginning to pound in his chest. Gojyo was on the sofa. He'd been on the sofa every night, even though there was space in the bed for them to share. Perhaps Gojyo didn't want to share with him. Perhaps he wanted his privacy, at least some measure of it.
The deep black shadows became silvery as his eyes adjusted. From his pillow, he could see Gojyo on his back. He had both hands on the waistband of his jeans, pushing them down just enough, a rough hiss of denim over skin. Between his legs, in the black patch of hair, Hakkai could see a thick column of flesh, already hard and darker than the pale skin of his thighs. It bobbed in the air as Gojyo moved.
There were other smells in the room; noodles fried in peanut oil, beer breath, the acrid burnt ash of cigarette smoke, soap, sweat, the delicate scent of Gojyo's skin and hair underneath it all.
Gojyo had closed a fist around himself. Hakkai watched it move up and down, twisting slightly, long fingers curling to touch all the best places. His breathing got thicker. He started to thrust his hips, brief curtailed movement that made his whole torso flex, and with each one he began to grunt, softly, between his teeth. It was almost pained, as if he were on the edge of desperation. Oh, yes, Hakkai thought. Gojyo should feel free to do that some more.
He slid a hand very carefully into his pyjamas and took the liberty of filling in some details he couldn't see: Gojyo's soft lips, wet and full and parted, the tip of his tongue, the flex of muscle in his arms and wrist, the way his balls would be hard and tight, his buttocks clenching with each thrust…
Hakkai put his other hand over his mouth to smother his breathing. It was unacceptably loud. He lay still, a hand curled tight around his own erection. Gojyo's breathing hitched and he was biting off each soft sound he made, struggling to stay as quiet as possible. The slap of skin on skin came faster, and Gojyo dug his heels into the saggy old cushions of the couch, arching up, closed eyes and open mouth, hair flung back to show the fine–drawn lines of his cheekbone and jaw. For someone born into poverty, he had somehow managed to acquire the bone structure of an aristocrat.
Hakkai wondered what Gojyo was thinking of. If he could see into Gojyo's mind to spy on the pornographic drama playing out, would he choose to look? He pressed his hand tight to his mouth, tasting the salt on his own palm. Gojyo was getting close, he could tell. He'd had previous experience of this, even back when he hadn't found this painfully erotic. He could barely remember those times now.
A sound escaped Gojyo, part of a moan that instead of being silent and stealthy came out as a broken rough sound, so loud in the quiet that Hakkai jumped. Gojyo stopped cold, and then he raised his head to look over at Hakkai's bed. Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut and lay as still as a dead dog, struggling to make his breathing deep and even. He didn't want Gojyo to know. It wasn't Gojyo's fault that Hakkai felt this way about him. Well, not technically his fault.
When he dared open them again, Gojyo was taut and arched, moving his hand furiously, and then he slowed, squeezing and milking himself as he let out a soft shaking breath. Hakkai didn't see him come but he smelt it, and wondered blindly how it would be to push his nose against Gojyo's smooth stomach and lick at it, and taste it.
He closed his eyes again as Gojyo pulled off his t-shirt and used it to mop his stomach, yanked his jeans back up and fell back onto the cushions. He began to snore soon after, thankfully not too loudly.
After a very long time, Hakkai turned back over and finally fell asleep himself.
***
"Hey," Gojyo said, the next morning, as he shuffled into the kitchen, shirtless and barefoot. "What's for breakfast?"
Hakkai leaned against the counter, toying with his piece of toast. It was rather badly burnt, but he couldn't be bothered to make more. Gojyo rubbed briefly across his stomach, hand flattening against the place where he’d come last night.
"Toast," he said. "Do you want some?"
Gojyo glanced at the charred mess on the plate. "I'll pass." He plopped down into a chair. Hakkai poured him some coffee and gave it to him. "Ah, thanks. What we got on today?"
Hakkai sat down opposite. There was a pile of mending to be done. He was considering making new bedsheets. Their clothes needed washing. He needed to complete the test paper for his accountancy correspondence course. "Whatever you like," he said. "Sanzo doesn't need us today."
"So far," Gojyo said.
Sanzo, graciously allowing them a stipend for services rendered, had installed a telephone so he could contact them more easily for 'work'. They both looked over at it. It stayed silent.
"Well," Gojyo said. "We could head into town. You must have stuff you wanna pick up, right? You always do."
He bent over his coffee, closing his eyes as the hot steam drifted up. A few strands of hair slid across his cheek and caught at the corner of his mouth. Hakkai found himself staring at it and couldn't make himself bother to look away.
Gojyo took a sip and then glanced at him. "What?" Gojyo said.
"Hm? Oh, nothing. Yes, I do always need to get some things, don't I?" Because he'd had three people to feed and clothe, one of them a bottomless pit, and another who insisted on dressing all in white. The bleach bill alone must have horrified the powers who paid Sanzo's holy credit card bill.
"Let's go, huh?" Gojyo said. "Before the damn phone rings."
"No breakfast?"
"Yeah, I'll get something in town." He gave Hakkai's toast another look. "You could too."
"We can visit Goku."
Goku worked at a bakery. It seemed an idea destined for disaster, especially after he'd struck a deal with the owner to get paid in baked goods, but it had worked out surprisingly well.
The bakery was decorated in pink and white stripes and it smelled like almond cookies all the time, regardless of what they were baking. Goku wore a pink and white striped apron. Gojyo walked straight in the door and jumped over the counter to get him in a headlock. Hakkai had come to accept this behaviour as a sign of affection as long as neither of them drew blood.
When Gojyo bent over, Hakkai could see the outline of his ass perfectly. It was quite clear he wasn't wearing underwear. If he reached out to touch, it would be firm and round under his palm. Gojyo might like it. He might push back into Hakkai's hand. He might want more…
Hakkai turned away and said hello to Mr Khan. He was an interesting man, having travelled down from the great northern wildernesses many years ago to settle here. He kept yaks. He also wielded an expert pastry knife. Hakkai rather liked him.
"He's learning," was all Mr Khan would say about Goku's progress in the bakery.
"Hakkai, try this strudel," Goku said.
"Oh, no thanks. I've just eaten."
"No, you didn't," Gojyo said.
"I made it for you," Goku said.
Hakkai looked from one to the other. Gojyo smiled and bit his lip. "Oh, all right," Hakkai said.
They ate it all together, standing in the middle of the shop. It was still warm, and fragrant with apple and spice and sugar. He realised he was starving. Gojyo shared a narrow amused look with him, his lips gleaming. He bumped his shoulder against Hakkai's.
"Not bad for a monkey, yeah?" he said.
"Not bad at all," Hakkai said, gazing at him for a moment, momentarily lost in contemplation of his mouth.
"Hey!" Goku said, and another headlock began, stickier this time. Glimpsed through tangled arms and hair, their faces were gleaming and happy.
They left Goku to his work and went along to the shops. It was busy, being livestock day. Everything smelled of goats.
"I wish you wouldn't bring that thing," Gojyo said.
He almost certainly meant the little wheeled bag that Hakkai was pulling behind him. "It's useful, Gojyo. Unless you'd prefer to carry everything?"
"But it's what grannies use."
Hakkai looked down at it. He hadn't considered that before; it had just seemed practical. He looked back up to see a young lady sauntering towards them. She wore a silky pink dress and had hair down to her waist. For a Wednesday morning cattle market, she was notably overdressed. Nothing grannyish about her, Hakkai thought, and sighed.
"Gojyo, hey," she said, coming up to them. She beamed. "It's great to see you!"
"Yo, Lin. You're looking cute," Gojyo said. He did something complicated with his body, which gave the impression that he was standing up straighter and yet leaning down towards her at the same time.
"Thank you," she said, blushing prettily. "Um, who's your friend?" she said, turning her smile to Hakkai. Hakkai smiled back.
"This is Hakkai, my roommate."
Roommate. Was that what it came down to? She must be someone he'd met in the bar. Hakkai had never seen her before.
"Hello. I'm so sorry, please excuse me immediately," Hakkai said. "I have shopping to get on with."
"I'll catch you up," Gojyo said. He met Hakkai’s eyes and then looked away. “Okay?”
"Please, take as long as you want. It makes no difference to the amount to be carried home eventually." He smiled at them.
"Bye," he heard Lin say, as he walked away, dragging his old-lady bag behind him. "Nice to meet you."
He bought yards of cotton, fabric bleach, a roll of lead flashing for the leak near the chimney, a bundle of new socks that were reduced in the sales. He grew hungry and stopped for soup and tea at one of the stalls in the square. The whole town was shabbier after the wave of destruction, but the owner had put his benches and tables out, and a striped red and white awning that was new since last time. Life was returning to normal, in increments.
Hakkai drank his tea and watched the bustle of the square. The sun was pleasantly warm on his face. He had nothing in particular to worry about. He had his place in life and a steady income, even if it was through temple-sanctioned intimidation and violence. He still had his plans to open a coffee shop, or to buy a small market garden.
Perhaps Gojyo would like to do that with him. He'd shown no signs of not wanting to stay with Hakkai. He didn't have a reason to move out. Apart, perhaps, from the smallness of the house. Perhaps he should ask Gojyo outright what he was planning to do with the remainder of his life.
He sipped his tea. It was delicate and very good, with a slight taste of mint. He should ask for the blend and perhaps take some home. Gojyo made surprisingly good tea, when he could be bothered. He was a man with hidden talents, Hakkai reflected. Sometimes very well hidden, it was true.
Gojyo found him a little while later. "Hey," Gojyo said, sitting next to him. They sat silently for a few minutes. "Lin found herself a job cleaning in one of the la-di-dah houses on the hill," he said. "Never thought she'd find honest work."
"I hear it's possible," Hakkai said, smiling into his tea.
"Not for us though, right?" Gojyo said, and there was an edge to his voice. He was staring out at the passers by.
"It depends how you define honest."
Gojyo paused. "How do we define honest?"
"We don't lie to ourselves about our virtue," Hakkai said.
Gojyo sighed. "Yeah, I guessed it would be something like that. You want more tea?"
"Yes, please."
Gojyo smoked and they drank tea and watched the people of the town go about their lives.
"I'm going out tonight," Gojyo said. "So you don't need to cook for me."
"Oh, all right."
"Me and some of the guys, we’re playing poker."
"I see. That's fine."
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
Later, Gojyo washed and dressed too carefully for it to be poker with his friends, and Hakkai had to wonder why he'd lied.
"You sure you're okay?" Gojyo said, with his hand on the door. His hair shone, the ends hanging in the neat blunt cut that Hakkai had recently given him. He had a new shirt on that Hakkai hadn't seen before. His long legs were clad tightly in black jeans.
"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Hakkai said.
Gojyo shook his head. "No reason." He took his hand from the door knob and stared uncomfortably over Hakkai's left shoulder. "It's just, you know. You were kinda weird with Lin."
"Oh, I was? I'm sorry, I didn't realise."
He found the tube of lipstick much later, when he was tidying up the sofa. It was under one of the cushions. Hakkai sat and looked at it. It was the bright red of geraniums, very new. Hardly used. A cheap brand, the sort chosen by girls of limited means who wished to aspire to something more sophisticated. He looked down at it. Perhaps she’d bought it especially for her date with Gojyo. Gojyo had been bringing her here.
Perhaps they were out right now. Perhaps they were sleeping together right now. Fucking. He let the image fill his head; Gojyo with his pants down around his thighs and his cock hard and slick and pushing into her. Maybe they would do it in her bed, twisted in her sheets. They would probably be dirty, Hakkai thought, or at last poorly laundered. They might smell of the other men she'd had there. Would Gojyo notice, or mind if he did?
Or maybe they would do it up against the wall, fast, so fast. Beads of sweat would form at Gojyo's hairline, dampening his hair from the red of blood to the darker red of dying coals. Gojyo's hips would pump forward, and her bare back and bottom would slap against the wall until the neighbours complained.
Hakkai looked down at the lipstick. His fingers had pushed against the cheap aluminium casing so hard that they'd dented it. He tried to pry out the dents, but the edge of the lid was sharp, bare metal, and it dug hard into his skin.
His finger came away with a streak of red. For a moment he thought he'd cut himself, but it was only a clot of lipstick, too bright, not like Gojyo's hair at all. He stared at it. After a second or two, with no conscious thought, he let his hand rise up to his mouth. He rubbed the red blob of lipstick on his own lips. It felt cool and weirdly sticky.
He rubbed his lips together. He licked them. It didn't taste like anything. He glanced at the door and wondered what Gojyo would think if he walked in just at this moment, if he would laugh, if he would like it.
The bathroom mirror showed Hakkai his face with a red gash in it. The image faded gradually into reality, the reality of painted lips and a puzzled expression. Hakkai wondered if it was possible to condition the visual cortex to interpret things through a certain filter. In his case, a filter of assumed violence. It had, over the past few years, been quite a safe assumption.
He touched his mouth. The red was on his teeth, and he wiped it off. His teeth squeaked. He went back to the sofa to fetch the lipstick, then came back to the mirror. It went on smoothly, thickly. Cheap and red and brash, like her mouth.
He wondered what she was doing with it now. Perhaps she had her mouth open for him. Gojyo would want that. All men liked that. He gripped onto the cold porcelain edge of the sink, pushing his erection against it. Soft sucking wetness and heat. He could barely remember what it was like. He tried to imagine the shape and feel of hard flesh in his mouth. Gojyo's hardness, pressing against his lips. Gojyo's soft grunts and the grind of his hips. The rush of heat through his body made his knees want to buckle. He stared into his own dark eyes in the mirror, then let out a moan.
He tore open his jeans and pushed his hand between down into his underwear. His fingers were cold from the porcelain and he gasped as he ran them over his flesh, freeing himself. There was a single image fixed in his head, so powerful that his breath came too short. He couldn't stop. He leaned over the sink, pleasuring himself quite wantonly, thinking of her mouth around Gojyo's cock. The lipstick bled into his mouth, bitter.
The front door opened. Hakkai heard it clearly, with its distinctive short squeak followed by a long creak. He put oil for the hinges on his mental shopping list and squeezed his aching cock. He kicked the bathroom door closed as quietly as he could and reached behind him to lock it.
If it was an intruder, they could wait till he was done. If it was Gojyo back early, well, he could wait too.
"Ow, fuck," Gojyo said in the next room.
Hakkai bit his lip.
"Hakkai? Hey, you home?"
"I'm in the bathroom, Gojyo," he said. His voice sounded quite calm.
"Are you gonna be long?"
Hakkai could smell blood. Gojyo's blood, but not only his. "How badly are you hurt?"
After a pause, Gojyo said, "Not bad. Don't, like, rush yourself. If you're having a moment in there."
Hakkai watched his cheeks flush in the mirror. He couldn't say from the tone of voice whether Gojyo honestly thought he was masturbating or having some sort of toilet related difficulty. He wasn't sure which was worse.
His cock was still hard. He gave a slow stroke. "Tell me what happened," he called to Gojyo.
"There were these guys," Gojyo said, which was so often how these stories started.
Hakkai listened to the sound of his voice and worked his cock harder, faster.
"So turns out Lin has a boyfriend--"
"I thought you went to play poker," Hakkai managed.
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I saw her there. And--"
Hakkai lost the thread of the story. He gripped the cold porcelain of the sink with one hand and curled over it. He could see Gojyo as he'd seen him in dark on the couch, doing this same thing, trying to stay quiet like Hakkai was now. He felt his whole body tighten before he came, white on the white of sink, one streak laid across the faucet.
"So I've got a broken nose maybe," Gojyo was saying.
Hakkai flushed the toilet and ran water into the sink to wash everything away. He fastened his pants and scrubbed at his mouth. He splashed cold water on his face and scrubbed it dry with a rough towel. When he entered the living room, he found Gojyo stretched full length on the couch.
"He caught you with her and hit you," Hakkai said.
"Well, yeah, if you want the short version." Gojyo grinned up at him, beautiful even with his face blood-crusted and his nose twisted askew. "Can you fix me up?"
"Of course."
Gojyo pressed against the back of the couch so Hakkai could sit. Hakkai laid his hands on Gojyo's face and felt out the extent of the damage. He felt Gojyo wince and gentled his touch even further. The blood ran all down his face and over his chin, dry and flaking off to stick to Hakkai's hands.
"I have to straighten it first. It will hurt."
"I know, I know. Do it."
He did it, and barely caught Gojyo's grunt of pain. He set to work quickly after that, to soothe pain and mend broken flesh. Gojyo relaxed all at once and let out a soft sigh.
"That's better," he mumbled. "You've got great hands, Hakkai."
I could show you how good they are, he thought, then felt ridiculous. He looked down at Gojyo, at his sleepy, dreamy eyes. "Is there anywhere else you're hurt?" Hakkai said, telling himself he was simply being thorough.
Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, well. The bastard got me good in the ribs. It ain't broken though. But it hurts like a bitch."
"You'll have to sit up," Hakkai said, and moved so that Gojyo could pull himself up and perch on the edge of the sofa. "And take your shirt off, please."
He dragged it over his head, static making strands of hair crackle and rise up. Gojyo's bare skin was very warm and smooth. It was reddened on the left side, already darkening to a bruise. Hakkai pressed each rib gently, healing the broken blood vessels and damaged tissues, watching Gojyo's profile. "Lift your arms," he said, softly, and Gojyo raised them. Hakkai stroked up to just under his armpit, then back down, pressing his palm flat. "Does this hurt now?"
"No," Gojyo murmured. He'd closed his eyes. Their thighs were pressing together. Hakkai decided he really shouldn't do this to himself. "It's great."
It was hard to look away from his own hand on Gojyo's chest. It was hard to take it away. His arm tingled, and Gojyo shivered and gasped. He stroked again and watched as the small dark circles of Gojyo's nipples tightened and hardened until they were stiff. Hakkai took his hand away. Gojyo opened his eyes and swivelled them to Hakkai's face. Hakkai couldn't even decipher the expression there.
"Ah, uh. Thanks," Gojyo said, and then he got up. "I need to piss."
Hakkai waited where he was, looking down at his hands. His knuckles looked larger than normal to him. He was hungry. He couldn't remember if he'd had dinner.
The lipstick was still in the bathroom.
He heard the toilet flush and the water run, and then Gojyo emerged. He sat down close to Hakkai, so their shoulders bumped together.
"So," Gojyo said. "I never did eat tonight."
And that was that. He didn't say anything about the lipstick. When Hakkai checked, he found it sitting on the edge of the sink where he'd left it. Maybe Gojyo hadn't seen it. Maybe he'd chosen not to mention it. Maybe he'd thought Hakkai had had a date and she'd left it there. No, he probably didn't think that.
Hakkai made them both eggs on toast, and they ate together at the table. Gojyo stretched his feet out underneath so that they touched Hakkai's. It was almost certainly an accident.
***
A week later, Hakkai put the lipstick on again. Gojyo was out, somewhere. Maybe he was playing poker. Maybe he was having sex.
Hakkai looked at himself in the mirror and then went to sit on the couch. Gojyo's bed. His blanket was folded on the back where Hakkai put it every morning. Otherwise it would lie crumpled on the floor all day. Opposite the sofa, the vcr was blinking its single red light at him, because Gojyo had left a tape in it. The box was open and empty, its cover lurid with naked flesh. Hakkai switched on the TV and pressed play, and it jerked into life-- a woman and a man fucking hard on a bed.
He watched it for a little while, then took down Gojyo's blanket and ran his hands over the heavy pale wool. Then he unfolded it and spread it out over himself. He lifted a corner to his face, pushing his nose into it. His hands were trembling and his breath was hot and damp. It smelled of Gojyo and wool and cigarettes. When he took it away, it bore a waxy scarlet smear. He touched it with the edge of a nail--it was going to be impossible to get out-- then reached under the blanket and began to unfasten his trousers. He pressed the corner of blanket to his nose again as he rearranged his shirt and his jeans so that he was exposed. The touch of the blanket was almost too much against sensitive skin. On screen, the man was pounding into her with heavy fast strokes. He watched, shivering, and imagined it was Gojyo he was watching. Gojyo loved women. He loved them like this, eager and happy.
He licked his lips and closed his hand around his own cock at last. The head was wet; fluid dripping in a thin stream down the underside. He pressed his fingers there, watching the screen.
"Gojyo," he whispered, and felt ridiculous at the spurt of heat it caused. Gojyo was not here to listen or to see this. Thank all the heavens. He rubbed his cheek against rough wool and closed his fist tight around himself, making his hand a warm damp channel. He moaned at how good it was. He wriggled back on the cushions, clutching at the blanket, bracing his feet as his muscles tightened. He closed his eyes against the figures on screen and thought instead of Gojyo.
Afterwards, falling back in a haze of mingled guilt and satisfaction, he pulled the blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes.
He woke up to darkness. He sat up, fast. The TV was off, the room was dark. From the direction of his own bed came the sound of soft breathing-- Gojyo. Hakkai fumbled at the blanket and pushed it off.
"I'm sorry," he said, out loud. There was no reply, and Gojyo remained a dark still lump under Hakkai's sheets. Hakkai stood, and as he did his jeans sagged down around his thighs. His belly was stiff with dried semen. His mouth was still sticky with the lipstick. Gojyo had come in and had found him. He crept closer to the bed, until he could see Gojyo's face, turned half into the pillow in sleep. Hakkai reached out and touched his hair; it was like cool silk under his fingertips. "I'm sorry," he whispered, again.
Hakkai tiptoed to the bathroom and washed his face at the sink. The lipstick was still standing there, its cap neatly replaced. Had he done that, or Gojyo? He couldn't remember. He dampened his flannel and wiped his stomach, washed his hands and drank a glass of water. He went back to the sofa and climbed back under the blanket. The room smelled of Gojyo - cigarettes, soap and the tang of his old leather jacket.
Hakkai closed his eyes and decided that he must stop this.
***
Gojyo was up before him, sitting at the kitchen table, smoking and staring out of the window.
"Hey," he said, giving Hakkai a brief glance. "I made you tea."
The teapot was waiting for him on the table, its stubby spout emitting a twirl of fragrant steam. There was a china cup next to it, where Gojyo must've set it ready for him.
Gojyo never did things like this, except when Hakkai was really angry at him, or ill. Hakkai came to the table and touched the cup.
"It's for me?"
"Well it ain't for Mr Invisible," Gojyo said. The morning sun was in his face, lighting his eyes to a dramatic and shimmering red. They looked utterly unreal, almost magical. Or at least, they might, if Hakkai hadn't seen so many even-stranger things. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Not too badly." Hakkai poured tea. "Your sofa is surprisingly comfortable." He'd never slept on it before. Gojyo had never once complained about that, or about Hakkai simply assuming he'd be having the bed.
"So's your bed," Gojyo said. "Maybe I'll get in it again tonight."
"Oh, good." Hakkai burnt his tongue on the tea, because he drank it too fast.
There was a long pause where Hakkai felt he should be saying something else, or that Gojyo should be making a joke at Hakkai's expense, or something. Instead, the silence between the dragged on, until Gojyo cleared his throat. Gojyo never cleared his throat like that.
"His Holiness hasn't bugged us recently. Think everything's okay?"
"Maybe it's a good sign. Perhaps the crime levels that seem to surround Sanzo are dropping."
"Heh. It's always possible." Gojyo poured himself more coffee. It was black and sludgy, the last in the pot. "I guess it's nice to have the time to ourselves."
"I suppose so," Hakkai said. It certainly gave him more time to follow unhealthy channels of desire. He considered the fact that Gojyo had witnessed the aftermath of last night's debauchery. Unwanted, a hot flush swept his body and heat rose in his face. He stood and went to the sink to tip the remains of his tea away.
"Lin's having a party tonight. She asked me along," Gojyo said. There was a horrible false smugness to his voice. "Guess she can't get enough of me, yeah?"
His accountancy exam paper was still waiting for him, sitting under his text books. He'd complete it today. Perhaps after he'd passed it he should begin looking for a place to buy. He could have his own little business. Gojyo could be his assistant-- doing whatever would be required.
"You could come too," Gojyo said. A click and rasp and then the whiff of burning tobacco. "Lotta lonely chicks out there," he added.
Hakkai tried to remember the last time Gojyo had invited him out. He couldn't, mostly because he suspected Gojyo never had. Perhaps Gojyo now thought he was a desperate case and had to be rescued from a life of lonely masturbation in front of dubious film footage.
"No," Hakkai said. "Thank you."
"Don't just turn me down," Gojyo said, more forcefully.
The sink was awfully fascinating. Silver drops of water splashed and rolled over the cheap pressed metal basin.
"It's not-- I don't know anyone. They would think it strange. If you brought me along."
"Since when do you care who thinks you're strange?" Gojyo thumped the wall with his fist. "Whatever. I'm going out."
"Will you be back for dinner?" Hakkai said, automatically.
Gojyo gave him a look. Oh, the party. Of course. Hakkai looked down. His hands looked old to him today. There were days like that, when the weather and stress they'd been through showed. His knuckles stood out, oddly bulbous and pale to his eyes, like something that might grow far underground. When he looked back up, Gojyo was gone.
He sat and drank his tea and thought about Gojyo going to this woman's party, even after her boyfriend had hit him in the face. What had Gojyo done to the boyfriend? Hakkai hadn't thought to ask. Probably Gojyo hadn't killed him. That sort of thing didn't get one party invitations.
After a few minutes, Hakkai got up and put the lipstick on. He poured himself another cup of tea and left garish red lip prints on the side of his teacup.
This wasn't what going crazy felt like at all.
As he washed the red stains from the china, he considered that it might feel different every time.
***
The party, Hakkai found when he asked around, had started at nine. It was now going on eleven. Lin's house was easy to find, with its lights all on and music blasting through wide open windows. A number of people were lying outside in the overgrown little garden, doing things that Hakkai didn't look too closely at.
He knocked, but presumably no one heard him. He walked in. He'd half expected debauchery and drunken fights, nudity and blood. In that, he was disappointed. Lin was sitting on the floor with a number of people Hakkai didn't recognize. They appeared to be playing some sort of board game. Lin was moving a bright purple game marker along a twisting trail of printed neon blocks toward a castle in the centre of the board. She clapped her hands together. "Look!" she said. "I made it to India, I'm almost there."
"The priest has an unfair advantage," one of the guys grumbled. "That stupid sutra gets him out of everything."
Hakkai felt a wave of vertigo as strong as though the floor had heaved beneath him. He put a hand out to steady himself on the wall and found a shoulder instead.
"It's a new game," Gojyo said, voice flat and oddly careful. "Funny how things work out, huh?"
"Do they--know?"
"Nah. They know shit. Somebody heard a rumour, thought they could make some cash off it, I guess. That's how it goes."
"Sanzo will be livid."
Gojyo laughed, a dry sound, and bumped his shoulder against Hakkai's. "He'll sue for intellectual property rights or something. Put them bang out of business."
Lin looked up just then and waved to them, or more probably to Gojyo. Gojyo waved back.
"You want me to introduce you?" Gojyo said.
"No. I only came because--because--" But he couldn't remember the excuse he'd come up with. He couldn't even remember the truth of why he'd come, except that the alternative seemed to be jerking off alone in the dark to Gojyo's pornography again. He didn't think it was very good pornography even, though he really had nothing to compare it to.
"Because?" Gojyo said. He raised his eyebrows.
Hakkai rubbed his hands down his thighs and felt the lump of the lipstick in his pocket. Oh, yes. He pulled it out. "To return this," he said. "I thought it must be hers."
Gojyo held it in the palm of his hand and rolled it back and forth. "You got a thing for her?" he said, at last. "'Cause you can have her. I'm not that into her, if you wanna know the truth."
"I thought she had a boyfriend."
"She dumped him after he hit me. She doesn't like violence."
Gojyo grinned at him, and Hakkai had to smile back. He had to look into Gojyo's eyes and see him and feel his warmth and steady understanding. He had to look, for just a few seconds too long.
He saw Gojyo get it, saw him put everything together and realize that Hakkai's behaviour had nothing to do with Lin at all. Gojyo's hand snapped closed over the lipstick, and he shoved it into his pocket.
"Well. I'll go," Hakkai said. "You're busy."
He walked out, and Gojyo didn't stop him.
***
Hakkai woke slowly, Gojyo's presence already registered and marked as safe in his brain. Gojyo sat on the edge of Hakkai's bed. He smelled of beer and smoke and sex. He was tapping something shiny against his thigh. It took Hakkai's sleepy eyes a minute to identify it as the lipstick case.
"I thought it was some other girl's," Gojyo said. "I thought maybe--well, I thought lots of crazy shit. It's not Lin's. I never brought her here."
"I see," Hakkai said, carefully. He didn't know where this was going, or if Gojyo would even remember it in the morning.
"I'm not drunk," Gojyo said.
"Ah."
"Might as well be," Gojyo muttered. "Sober never does me any good with you."
"I don't know what you mean, Gojyo."
"You were wearing this stuff. Couple of times. Right?"
He could lie. But he wouldn't. "Yes."
"Put it on. Now."
Gojyo shoved the lipstick at him, and Hakkai did as he was told. It felt familiar going on now, almost normal. He rubbed his lips together and licked them, tasting only faint bitterness and not the tang he still sometimes expected from something that color.
"Hakkai." Gojyo gave him a look that was almost desperate.
"Did you fuck her tonight?" Hakkai asked.
"Yeah. Shit. Yeah, I did. You watched my porn."
"Yes, I did."
"You watched my porn and you--on my bed. Couch. Whatever."
"Yes."
They stared at each other in the dark. Hakkai could barely see his eyes.
"What do you want?" Gojyo said finally, with a little whine in his voice that made Hakkai grab his arm and drag him closer.
"I want to fuck you," Hakkai said. His voice felt very strange coming out of his throat, and his fingers were digging into Gojyo's arm.
"You wanna--fuck me," Gojyo said, with a little hitch in his voice.
"That's right."
"But--I don't even like guys. I never--not once, even before Banri when that one guy offered me cash for it, and that wouldn't have counted." His voice was rising in pitch and getting quieter at the same time. "I'm not, I haven't, I don't--I don't."
"You don't what?"
"Like guys," Gojyo said, and kissed him.
The kiss didn't work very well. It took Hakkai by surprise, and lips and tongue and noses were surprisingly hard to organize. There were teeth as well to worry about; Gojyo's grazed Hakkai's tongue and dug into his lip when Hakkai tilted his head.
"Sorry," Gojyo said. "Sorry." His mouth was very wet and hot, and the lipstick facilitated the slide of their lips.
"I finished my accountancy exam," Hakkai said. "Just today. I want to start some sort of business."
Gojyo sucked on his tongue, which made it very hard to talk. Hakkai pushed him back a bit.
"I don't know what sort," he said.
"Hakkai!"
"Yes?"
"You said you wanted to--fuck me." Gojyo still had that funny little hitch in his voice.
"You didn't say what you wanted."
There was a long, gaping silence.
At the far end of it, Gojyo said quietly, "I want lots of stuff."
After that, he took off his shirt, which seemed to Hakkai like a fairly clear statement of intent. As clear, at least, as he was likely to get from Gojyo. Even if it hadn't been, there was Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo wasn't backing off as Hakkai reached out to touch it. That by itself was enough to gel things in Hakkai's mind, to make a course of action clear and inevitable.
He pushed back the sheets and took hold of Gojyo's shoulders. A twist and a pull realigned them, with Gojyo solidly underneath him, a look of shock on his face. Hakkai kissed that look, his mouth, his cheeks, again and again until Gojyo's lips were slack and warm under his and Gojyo was holding onto his upper arms to keep him close.
"This is very..." Hakkai trailed off. Gojyo's chest was still bare and quite distracting. He laid his hands on it, flat, running up from the band of soft skin beneath his ribcage up to his shoulders.
"Very?" Gojyo prompted. There was a shadow across his eyes. Strands of hair clung to his face.
"Pants," Hakkai said, abruptly.
Gojyo frowned at him. "Very pants? Thanks a lot."
"No, pants, as in we ought to take them off. Now. Please."
"Get off me, then."
Gojyo took off his jeans and Hakkai his pajama bottoms. They sat in the dark on Hakkai's bed, right next to each other, breathing, naked. Hakkai saw Gojyo wriggle his toes in a band of moonlight.
"Thing is," Gojyo said. "This is. It's always gonna be us, right?"
"What?"
"You and me and His Crankiness and the monkey."
Hakkai thought about that, hands drifting unstoppably along the pale line of Gojyo's thigh. "I hope you're not suggesting a foursome," he said. "I don't think Sanzo would ever agree."
Gojyo flopped back on the pillow with a put-upon sigh. "Hakkai. Fuck, no. I just mean--aw hell, I don't know what I mean. Are we gonna do this or what?"
Hakkai swung a leg over his thighs and sat on him. He ran a palm up Gojyo's still-soft cock. "What do you mean?"
Gojyo looked up at him, eyes squinty with thought and unaccustomed serious intent. He touched Hakkai's neck and slid his hand up along Hakkai's cheek. His fingers bumped over Hakkai's limiters.
"I mean you're always gonna be here," Gojyo said, finally.
"Yes. Always."
"Probably even if I tried to get rid of you."
Hakkai had to smile at that. "Yes, even then."
Gojyo smiled back at him, a gentle curve of his lips, real warmth in his eyes. "Yeah, so. Okay," he said.
Hakkai kissed him again and lowered his body over Gojyo's. Gojyo's skin was very warm, so sleek. Perhaps it came from the half of him that was meant to be frictionless underwater. Their legs tangled together, moving restlessly, seeking some sort of traction or progress.
Hakkai moved his hips to drag his hard cock against Gojyo's soft one. Gojyo gasped and dug his nails into Hakkai's shoulders. His hips lifted up, hard. Hakkai felt him beginning to stiffen. For a time, that was all he did; he rubbed his body against Gojyo's, felt Gojyo's skin on his. For a time, it was more than enough.
The moon shifted position before they tried anything else. Gojyo was pushing up against him, cock hard now, thick and wet at the head. His breath was ragged. Hakkai's was too, and Hakkai could feel both their heartbeats, hard and rapid and heating their blood.
"Hakkai," Gojyo whispered, and he groped blindly down between their bodies until his hand found Hakkai's cock.
Hakkai shivered all over and bucked forward, and that was it. He came in long, wet spurts, body straining so tight that he could barely move afterward. He became aware of the smell of blood and found his nails had dug too hard into Gojyo's shoulders.
"I'm sorry," he said dully. "Gojyo. I'm sorry."
Gojyo's whole body undulated against him, and Gojyo said, "Just a little pain."
He was still hard. Hakkai slid down him and licked at his thighs, licked traces of himself away. He took Gojyo's cock in his mouth and forgot about everything else. It filled his mouth, filled his throat, left him unable to breathe or, for once, to think.
There was some faint sound and tugging at his hair, but it wasn't important. He made his lips tight and closed his eyes and sucked. He had no way of knowing if he were any good. He'd never done this and only rarely had it done to him. Probably Lin was better. It was, in any case, a selfish act to take Gojyo inside him like this, to give without accepting anything back.
The taste turned from salt to bitter, and Gojyo arched underneath him. He came in pulses into Hakkai's mouth, and Hakkai swallowed and swallowed for as long as he could. He kept sucking until Gojyo pushed him gently away.
Their eyes met, Gojyo sprawled out on his back, Hakkai crouched over him like something ready to pounce. It might be better, Hakkai thought, to leave, just to leave. He could stay at the temple again until he was fit to go out among people again.
Gojyo held out his arms.
Hakkai crawled into them. He was asleep before Gojyo finished pulling the covers up.
***
There was a pot of tea on the table again. Hakkai looked at it with eyes still sticky from sleep. Other body parts were still sticky from other things. He'd only just woken up. He wasn't prepared for Gojyo to go and make him tea again.
Gojyo spared him a glance. He was at the counter fiddling with the toaster. "It ain't a snake," he said. "Sit. You want toast?"
"You're making toast?" Hakkai said. Tea and toast? Surely this was some sign of an impending apocalypse.
"You burned it before."
"Oh. So I did."
Gojyo didn't burn it. He handed Hakkai a plate of perfectly browned toast. It even had butter on it, glistening strangely among its tiny peaks and crevices.
Gojyo yanked a chair out and sat on it backward, arms crossed. "Hakkai. Do you just not eat when I'm out? You just sit here getting weirder and weirder, or what? Eat your goddamn toast and stop looking at it like you're gonna disembowel it or something."
"I wasn't." He ate his toast. It was quite good, hot and crunchy, breaking easily under the force of his teeth.
"You wanna go into town later?" Gojyo said. "Thought we could go visit the monkey, see if Sanzo's said anything to him."
"It has been a while since we heard from him."
Gojyo nodded, and Hakkai understood all in a rush that Gojyo was worried. Worried about Sanzo, worried about him. Gojyo did that. Goku did too.
"All right. We'll go. I'm sure Sanzo's fine."
"Like I care," Gojyo muttered, and went to make more toast.
They went into town, and into the bakery. It still smelled of almonds and was still striped like the inside of a chocolate box. Hakkai didn't know why that should be so surprising. Maybe he was used to seeing changes in himself mirrored in the others.
Goku looked just the same as well and greeted them with a happy shout and a bound over the counter than made Mr Khan wince. Sanzo was--well, he was glaring at a pink sundae. That was a bit different, but almost certainly nothing to do with Hakkai having sex with Gojyo.
Gojyo poked Goku. "What is that thing? Did you make it?"
"Yeah! It's my invention!" He stood straight and solid, looking just so very-- normal, Hakkai decided. "It's got strawberry ice cream with strawberries in and raspberry sauce and pink whipped cream and coconut."
Sanzo took a bite. They all watched.
The glare died down from promising instant death to a mere smack about the head. "I like it," Sanzo said.
There was a deep silence. Even Goku said nothing.
Hakkai decided to delay sharing any news of what he and Gojyo might now be to each other. It didn't seem that exciting by comparison.
"What?" Sanzo said.
His hair was getting long. It hung down over the sutras. It would need a trim soon, Hakkai thought. He turned to smile at Gojyo, just because he wanted to. He noticed the soft pinkness of Gojyo's lips with hugely increased appreciation, until Gojyo nudged at him with his shoulder and raised his eyebrows.
"Hmm?" Hakkai said.
"Pay attention. Girly Monk's talkin'."
Sanzo narrowed his eyes at his ice cream. The spoon continued moving. Hakkai looked him over carefully. He certainly wasn't so skinny anymore, which was a blessing of some sort. There might even be a hint of too many ice creams.
"I've got a job that needs doing," Sanzo said. "I don't want you two getting lazy."
"No, that would be terrible," Hakkai said. "What job is this?"
"The usual kind of thing," Sanzo said, licking his spoon.
Hakkai turned to Gojyo. He wondered for a moment what had happened to the lipstick, anyway. "Does that sound all right with you, Gojyo?"
Gojyo shrugged. There was something different about his face, something soft and relaxed about his eyes. Perhaps it was the sex, thought Hakkai, until Gojyo nudged him again.
"The usual? Yeah, that sounds just fine."
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Date: 2009-02-24 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 12:42 pm (UTC)(Sanzo would play himself. Goku would *want* to play Sanzo, but would end up playing Hakkai and messing around with Jeep. Hakkai would play Goku, because Gojyo certainly wouldn't. ojyo would be stuck playing himself, and woudl pretend we was fine with it.)
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Date: 2009-02-27 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:34 pm (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2009-02-24 12:54 pm (UTC)PS: One thing though - how the lipstick ended up in the house - did I miss something?
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Date: 2009-02-24 01:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 03:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:38 pm (UTC)The lipstick - aha, that is a mystery indeed. I consulted with emungere on this and we both think that one of Gojyo's past girlfriends left it there, some while ago.
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Date: 2009-02-24 01:52 pm (UTC)" ........ " <<<< that's me bein' awestruck. Thank you both so very much. I have missed this loveliness.
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Date: 2009-02-27 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 02:00 pm (UTC)*squees quietly*
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Date: 2009-02-27 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:43 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for you fb, it made me very happy!
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Date: 2009-02-27 06:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 04:55 pm (UTC)You're a goddess. Seriously. *bows*
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Date: 2009-02-24 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 06:31 pm (UTC)very good read – thank you for writing and sharing.
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Date: 2009-02-27 04:45 pm (UTC)Fat Sanzo - the thought just makes me too happy to think of him with a bit of podge. Unable to squeeze into his travelling jeans anymore and switching to drawstring trousers. <3
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Date: 2009-02-27 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 09:39 pm (UTC)Right now I'm damned tired, but I know that I'll forget what I want to comment if I put this off for later (forgive my mistakes and typos, they multiply when I'm sleepy).
I totally loved your incredible ability to make us understand how everybody is feeling without mentioning it once. With the old-lady bag, for example. It was so easy to put oneself in Hakkai's shoes...! Or the morning after Hakkai's first experience in the couch. Everything so clear without overtly saying it... that's talent.
I especially loved the sentence:You just sit here getting weirder and weirder, or what?, it made me laugh out loud.
And the final scene with Sanzo seemed directly taken out of the manga, I really loved it.
Maybe I would have liked a bit more of Hakkai/Gojyo evolution at the end, some settling of things between them after the sex (not declarations of undying love, but some kind of closing the frame or tying of loose ends, I don't know how to explain), but that's because I'm a 58 junkie, even if that makes me conventional.
All in all, a wonderful reading. Please, don't leave the fandoooooooooom!!!!!!!
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Date: 2009-02-27 05:05 pm (UTC)You just sit here getting weirder and weirder, or what?
That made me laugh too -
Thanks for the feedback - I think I kind of know what you mean about wanting more resolution. I think we both felt we should get this finished though, as we were behind schedule. I mean, I think it's fine as it is, but we could've probably explored things more too. I think there is probably a lot more going on after this story ends, with them adjusting to their new arrangement, and of course Hakkai remains as weird as ever.
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Date: 2009-02-24 11:10 pm (UTC)This wasn't what going crazy felt like at all.
As he washed the red stains from the china, he considered that it might feel different every time.
Ah, and some creepy!Hakkai for good measure.
I love Gojyo having the guts to confront him instead of just leaving it to longer. And I love Hakkai talking accountancy in the middle of kissing, because Gojyo hasn't said what he wants. They're just weird enough together to be perfect :-)
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Date: 2009-03-03 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 02:33 am (UTC)He wasn't prepared for Gojyo to go and make him tea again.
I just. This whole section, I am awash with love. And Sanzo liking the ridiculous pink sundae, because he so would.
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Date: 2009-03-04 07:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-05 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 03:28 am (UTC)This is just an incredible story. It has this wonderful undercurrent of tension and impending madness; I could just feel Hakkai slowly unraveling in the first half. He seemed so desperate and lonely and adrift. It was really heartbreaking and felt very real and believable. I also liked how you showed how Hakkai really does see himself as something of a deviant or a bad person...I dunno, it was really clear here that Hakkai does not think well of himself, and that felt very real to me. I think he doesn't like himself much, and that's sad.
I love the descriptions of the lipstick and how erotic it was, but how it wasn't played as a kink but as a way for Hakkai working through his issues.
And he whole scene where they finally kiss and Hakkai is talking about accounting because Gojyo never actually said outright that he wanted him...I giggled and swooned at the same time! That is just so Hakkai.
And Goku and Sanzo in the background, and the Journey to the West board games, and Gojyo wanting so much for Hakkai to stay, and ack. Too much love, cannot cope!
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Date: 2009-03-23 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 03:16 am (UTC)The off-ness in the beginning was really good. It was distressing enough that Hakkai burned toast, but then just standing there, not making more or throwing it out or eating it or anything, and a pile of chores that aren't being done. Eeeep! And how Gojyo mostly seems fine (except for the worried-about-Hakkai thing) except for these moments where it totally frays at the edges.
Goku in a pink-and-white apron in a pink-and-white almond-scented bakery is one of the happiest images of all time.
Gojyo pushing the issue in that scared, determined way of his is just beautiful, as is his mini freak-out over the whole thing.
Gojyo flopped back on the pillow with a put-upon sigh. "Hakkai. Fuck, no. I just mean--aw hell, I don't know what I mean. Are we gonna do this or what?"
Hakkai swung a leg over his thighs and sat on him. He ran a palm up Gojyo's still-soft cock. "What do you mean?"
Aaawwww, yay Hakkai, not letting him get away with that.
The bit about it being selfish to give without accepting anything in return is so very Hakkai it feels like something straight out of the manga. And his perception of himself there, just ... I'm really glad Gojyo made him tea and toast the next morning and yelled at him for sitting around getting weirder. (Amazing scene.) And then,
Hakkai decided to delay sharing any news of what he and Gojyo might now be to each other. It didn't seem that exciting by comparison.
Hee! There aren't enough tiny hearts to express the awesomeness of this line or the fuzzy happiness of the whole ending, but here's a sample. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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Date: 2009-05-03 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:36 am (UTC)Puddingcat wins for requesting this and you wonderful authors you win for writing it wonderfully as you always write...
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Date: 2009-05-04 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 12:27 pm (UTC).... oh!
And here I was just moaning to myself about how there hadn't been any of the kind of 585 I love lately! Your timing was marvelous.
Poor Hakkai, marching along to his own drummer there, with not a clue as to how to get himself where he wants to go. There's something weirdly right about his using the lipstick as some kind of connection with Gojyo's seemingly inaccessible world of sex and physical closeness. And Gojyo's insistence that whatever Hakkai's been up to, he wants to know and deal with it. And the moment when Hakkai's wondering whether he should leave, and Gojyo holds out his arms.
And Gojyo's tough guy mother hen routine the next morning: "Hakkai. Do you just not eat when I'm out? You just sit here getting weirder and weirder, or what? Eat your goddamn toast and stop looking at it like you're gonna disembowel it or something."
Not to mention Hakkai's technical analysis immediately afterward about why and how the toast is good ... .
>loves<
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Date: 2009-05-04 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-01 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 08:43 pm (UTC)